Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ex, girls, love, missing, party, thinking
Went to some party again with all the people from my old school. Well the ones that are younger than me anyway. Their show was boring, ours last year was tha bomb B)
But the party was way cool. Girls, girls, girls :) … all surprisingly interested in me =D
And I haven’t heard from her still. Just some text asking how my exams were going. Ah well better I forget about her as soon as possible.
But I keep thinking about her…
Filed under: Uncategorized
You know I broke up with her. Well she kinda dumped me. Now she had the guts to send me a text saying “Don’t you even miss me at all?”
My reply: “I miss the old you, you miss her too?” => “Apparantly” … Talk about communication
Some time later I tell her it’s up to her and then and only then it’s up to me. => “Be a friend in the first place”, I could feel steam pouring out of my ears…
So I sent her a message today asking how her exams went. She didn’t reply. Same with another message I sent a few days ago. I’m sooo pissed. And she’s gonna hear it, what a spoiled brat she really is. Probably gonna be the first time in her life, maybe not.
But she’s got guts…
Filed under: Uncategorized
So I haven’t studied in like 3 days now. I have exams on monday. So now I’m doing an all nighter… It’s sociology I’m studying.
It’s going so so. Not super but that’s probably just me overjudging myself, or however you say that in english. I hung up a sheet of paper with the words “YOU HAVE A POWERFUL MIND THAT CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOURSELF CENTERED” on it. Don’t know from who the quote was anymore…
Anyway I just have to have SOME good grades… You know she’s not gonna want me back ever if I look like crap, feel like crap, act like crap, have the mental motivation of crap aaand have crappy grades. So that’s ofcourse putting a lot of pressure on me, since I would like to get back with her. But from the other hand it’s a good motivation, and I kinda know this will all be alright, like I’ll get over her OR we’ll get back together and all will be fine.
Time will tell, but now MARX with THE COMMUNIST MANIFEST :)
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Now playing: Tali – 21 Questions
via FoxyTunes
Filed under: Uncategorized
Yes it’s over between us :) And I’m feeling surprisingly fine.
Remember the things she wrote to that ex of hers. Well I confronted her with that on msn. She went offline without saying anything and then sent me a text saying “it’s over between us I guess, anyway I am not together with him. We just get along fine.” I was writing an email like a madman and in the meantime she sent another text saying she wanted to wait with breaking up with me until after the exams… I’m in the middle of my study period at the moment. And this situation isn’t really helping :p
Here’s the email I sent to her (it’s in dutch mostly… :$):
” sania ik snap dat ge trug verliefd zijt op hem, of het “goed kunt vinden met hem” en ik wist t ook wel dat ge wou wachten tot na de examens, en dat vind ik echt smerig. Wees eerlijk. Ik laat niet met mijn voeten spelen. Ge had t moeten uitmaken toen ge niet meer verliefd was op mij. Maar dit vind ik echt gewoon laf en smerig. Ge doet mij mijn zelfvertrouwen verliezen en mij minderwaardig doen voelen. Hoe durft ge mij zo te kwetsen en gebruiken. Het enigste dat ik nog van u wil horen is waarom ge mij zo hebt gebruikt, want de verontschuldigingen die de laatste weken van uw kant hadden moeten komen zullen nu veel te laat komen. Ik ben nog altijd verliefd op u en dat zal niet snel over gaan, maar blijkbaar zijt gij iemand anders dan op wie ik verliefd ben geworden, en dat heb ik de laatste weken al gemerkt, niet alleen dit nu. Op wie ik verliefd ben geworden is iemand die medeleven toont en inlevingsvermogen, iemand die voor de volle 100% voor mij gaat. Niet iemand die mij kwetst gewoon om wie ik ben en omdat ik van u hou.
Door zo met mijn voeten te spelen hebt ge mij echt gekwetst tot in het diepste van mij ziel. Ge vernedert mij over & over & over again op alle mogelijke manieren. Door alles, alles alles alles.Door mij te zeggen hoe dat ge wel nog plezier kunt beleven met uw “beste vriend waar ge het goed mee kunt vinden” maar met mij niet eens meer wilt uitgaan, of zelfs nog wilt kussen. Ge hebt een toneeltje opgevoerd, zoiets smerigs had ik echt nooit maar dan ook nooit van u verwacht. Ge hebt echt een grove fout gemaakt. Had t uitgemaakt toen ge niet meer verliefd was, en had gezegd waarom. En herinner u goed dat ge mij had kunnen hebben voor uw leven. Maar blijkbaar wilt ge dat niet. Nu zijt ge mij kwijt, en ge ziet mij nooit meer terug. Voor mij zal het nog even duren voor ik over u heen ben. Voor u weet ik dat niet.
Ik zou nog graag willen weten wat ik niet was voor u. Waarom dat ge uiteindelijk niet meer verliefd was… of ge dat wel ooit zijt geweest.En ik mag dan zo aanhankelijk zijn als een kleuter, maar dat is hoe verliefde mensen nu eenmaal zijn. Sommigen feller als anderen en misschien was dat mijn probleem. Maar hoe gij mij daarmee misbruikt hebt en gekwetst. Echt hoe vaak ge mij hebt gekwetst, dat kunt ge niet geloven. Ge moogt voor mijn part terug naar uwen “beste vriend waar ge het goed mee kunt vinden”. Met mij kunt ge het blijkbaar niet goed vinden dan. En als ge had willen wachten tot na de examens dan had ge uw toneeltje wel water beter mogen spelen.
De cd die ik u stuurde. Herinnert ge u de liedjes… Die veranderden mijn leven. Die liedjes blijven voor altijd in mij hart gegrift. Het lijkt voor mij dat ze niet meer of minder betekenden dan de vorige of de volgende. Ge zou mij het tegendeel wel eens mogen bewijzen.
Ik zou echt nog kunnen doorgaan, maar daar kwets ik u & mij alleen nog maar meer mee.”
Well she sent this back in an email:
You deserve the best
I’m just not ready for a relationship i guess, or how to act in one.And i know i’m going to regret this
Called with my parents, they were all worried how this was going to affect my studies… they have a point :p
Later yesterday night she started sending me texts like how are you? I can’t stop crying and thinking how you are. I think I’m making the biggest mistake in my life. But I told her, I am not gonna run after you like that ex of yours. When it’s over it’s over. No games.
You know this could always turn out fine maybe… But time will tell. I for one am NOT going to be her doggy running after her like a madman and loving her too much. Cuz that’s what was wrong I guess. I held on too tight.
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Now playing: Ingram Hill – Maybe It’s Me
via FoxyTunes
Filed under: Uncategorized
OK fuck it. I didn’t even get to tell yall everything about this girl. But she stabbed me in the back. I was fucking checking out the pictures on myspace of her ex. And guess what I find, comments from her, all sweet love poems… all dating back to the 21st of December in the middle of the night. This is probably the night when we had this kind of fight, when I went over there in the middle of the night apologizing like crazy… She probably was typing in these poems while I was sitting in her hallway crying like a little baby and not daring to go inside… Then I finally gathered all my courage and sent her that I was waiting outside… And I cried and I apologized and I told her that I had been talking to other people and that I had been influenced in my thinking. And she cried a little too, maybe sorry that she typed these things, maybe she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s all so clear why she was ignoring me the last month and at the same time so fucked up & blurry.
I remember a message from her saying she would never leave my side, that she would always love me, not matter what. Well then I shouldn’t have had believed her or what?… She lost her interest for ME and fell back in love with this brainless dipshit with big strong arms and snowboard and trips to Egypt to go scuba diving and blaaa blaaa blaaa!!! You know she didn’t even care one bit about how sweet I was to her. All she cared about was what I did for her. And how I looked, no how SHE looked (not one single comment on my appearance in 3 months, not one!!!).
And you know what. Maybe this was a flash of a moment, these things she wrote for him. And maybe she is still in love with me, which I highly doubt due to what happened this afternoon (previous post) and the last months and a half… And when I show her these things, which she wrote there probably because she thought I would never find them there, because I’m not on myspace a whole lot, SHE THINKS. Or maybe she did put them there for me to find… Anyway if I show them you would expect someone to be embarrased and apologetic and you know… at least if she’s willing to save this relationship, which I again highly doubt… But she won’t be apologetic, or even embarrased. You know what she’ll be? She’ll be angry at me for showing her this, for rubbing this in her face. For checking all those pictures that guy has, for being so stalky. I’ll be the bad man. And she’ll say that she doesn’t know how to go on with us… she’ll give up, just like that. If she would find out something this horrible about me, oh my god I would be crawling trough the mud at her feet to try and save our relationship, which I already did sort of speech (see previous post again).
I feel like such a dipshit for sending her that cd like 6 hours ago… maybe that will clear things up but again I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!
Sorry you guys didn’t hear much about her…
“fuck this shit right now i’m checking out”
PS: here are the things she wrote to that fucker…
21 Dec 2007 2:24
hé
frisse
wind
ga je mee
een tochtje
maken?
21 Dec 2007 2:29
Love you like … a fat kid loves cake? (this one really breaking my heart, I put this song on that cd I sent her today… twice ! once acoustic and once the 50 cent version. This was our line… she put this next to our picture.)
21 Dec 2007 2:49
Vroeger zag god alles
maar ik denk dat ie tegenwoordig net zoals iedereen
zapt
(omdat het lijkt alsof je zapt..)
21 Dec 2007 2:49
Vroeger zag god alles
maar ik denk dat ie tegenwoordig net zoals iedereen
zapt
(omdat het lijkt alsof je zapt..)
21 Dec 2007 2:59
Als jij niet echt was,
dan zou ik je niet aanbidden,
dan zag ik je niet overal, in alles.
Dan zouden er wolken bestaan waar ik jou niet in zag,
nu bestaan er geen anderen.
Geen wolk is een droom die zo echt is als jij.
Waarom kan ik je niet verwarmen
met de liefde die ik brei?
21 Dec 2007 3:05
Wild thing you make my heart sing!
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Now playing: Beirut – Nantes
via FoxyTunes
Filed under: Life, love, parents, stress, troubles | Tags: arguing, birthday, christmas, gifts, kissing, Life, love, msn, post, stress, troubles
So.. I was talking to her this midday. I haven’t seen her for 3 weeks or something. And I probably won’t for another week. I sent her this stupid drawing with msn. We do that kind of silly stuff. I drew me dreaming about her, and I drew some curls in her hair which I like very much. So I was actually saying I missed her… But instead of saying she missed me too or something she asked what was wrong with her hair… This was humor according to her. But I didn’t notice that. Instead I said “but?:(“. Then she said something stupid again that was also supposed to be humor… And I didn’t really notice that… Then she said what a strange guy I actually was… For the fact that I didn’t notice that she was just joking. She didn’t even put some stupid smiley or anything… :s “And I know exactly how you’re looking right now, with your nervous smile. Not your real smile.” I mean wtf…
And 2 seconds before she was telling me how she went to the supermarket with her ex, which is her best friend… ?! And that she hit his house with her car and that they both laughed really really hard… But I didn’t say anything about that! I just laughed along.
You know she really sometimes gives me this feeling that I’m just another guy. Just one from the row of guys that she’s going to have in her life. While for me she is THE ONE. She is my everything. I wanna spend my life with her. The last time we had a fight was because I said some things that bothered me in the way that she treated me. Instead of apologizing or at least trying to explain why she does these things, she just said that she didn’t know how we could ever live with each other, that she was having serious doubts about us etc etc… I mean not even TRYING to… just giving up?
I don’t know what I have to think about this. The same night I went over to her house and apologized like a mad man trying to save the pieces that were still left. Ofcourse she “accepted” my apologies, but then she started asking things like to whom I had been talking to that had put me up to saying what I was feeling…
And you know what I really really hate, and what’s killing me REALLY KILLING ME… When we kiss it’s like she doesn’t even enjoys it anymore… it’s like she’s doing it against her will. “Because she has to” because I’m her boyfriend…
More later… :) Exams are here in a WEEK (7 DAYS!!!!) and I haven’t done a whole lot… :( But my parents and me already accepted that it won’t be so well, my grades this semester. So I’m glad about that…
PS: I just came back from the post office. I wrote a cd for her with all her favourite songs and some other songs that reminded me of her. I already did that once, with her birthday. We also went to a sushi restaurant then. And I bought her like 4 other things, and lit up her whole room with candles. She was really happy then. Anyway I sent her that cd. I also wrote something on the back of the tracklisting. Just some sweet things. I wanted to write something like I sometimes don’t really understand you, but remember that I’ll always love you or something, but I ripped that piece off. Hope she doesn’t notice it… She’ll ask me about it anyway. Should be arriving tomorrow morning. Or else the day after that.
PPS: here’s the playlist for that cd… :)
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01 just jack – spectacular failures 02 newton faulkner – dream catch me 03 beirut – nantes 04 gabriel rios – baby lonestar 05 soko – i’ll kill her 06 ray lamontagne – crazy 07 nirvana – lake of fire 08 the blow – true affection 09 smashing pumpkins – perfect 10 stellastar – a million reasons 11 nick cave – carry me 12 nick cave – supernaturally 13 jose padilla – adiós ayer 14 portishead – all mine 15 catpower – the greatest
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16 bloc party – i still remember 17 nick cave – babe, you turn me on 18 something corporate – konstantine 19 editors – escape the nest 20 a change of pace – loose lips sink ships 21 racoon – love you more 22 bloc party – song for clay 23 terra naomi – beauty fades 24 terra naomi – say it’s possible 25 eels – novocain for the soul 26 tali – 21 question 27 50cent – 21 questions 28 dEUS – roses 29 garbage – I’m only happy when it rains 30 jason mraz – i’m yours 31 the macabees – toothpaste kisses
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Filed under: Life, love, photo, stress | Tags: attention, college, girlfriend, hot, love, update
Like the title says things have changed :)
I stopped posting here because it wasn’t really working out with this girl. She’s still one of my best friends though! I just accepted that we weren’t gonna have any relationship. Everything worked out for her and her boyfriend and I’m happy for her. (And btw, she was in love with me for a while ;) )
I’m college now and the pre-exams study period is half way thru. Wish I was halfway thru my pile of books… :(
Anyway, I found new love! Over the internet =D. On a profile site called noxa… She’s pakistani too, and we met in Italy for the first time, both with school… And she’s attending the same college as me so that’s a + since she lives about a 1,5 hour drive from me.
I’m not gonna go into further detail like I usually do but i just wanted to say that everythings fine here and we really love each other :).
Just some minor difficulties… She’s too damn hot xD. She gets off on attention, and you know me all panicing and not really toooo confident. But the last few months have been good for me. I know she loves me but she has difficulties expressing that, whilst i dont’ have any difficulty with that… xD
Maybe I’ll keep you updated, maybe this is the end of my blog… I don’t know yet. This could be a good outlet for my feeling again. I can talk to her about anything but she is just really closed and protective.
So bye for now. Maybe ’till the next post! =)
PS: here’s a picture of her =D She’s too damn hot isn’t she… :p
Damn internet made me lose my whole text again. So just in brief! Because I still have lots and lots of homework.
Yesterday night was pretty funny. Me, a good friend of us and her were talking about attractive people. Nothing special although She said that me, that friend and the morocan guy from our class were the only attractive and fun people in our class.
Tomorrow is another birthday party from a friend of mine. Nothing special, just for his birthday and for the opening of his band rehearsal room (although he doesn’t have a band :p ). No girls to be expected there, although lots of fun and laughing. Maybe even poker!
Saturday I’m going to Her house again! She invited me yesterday for a movie and after that we could go to that lake which we had to miss last time. I said I would bring the movie if She could bring the lake :p. I don’t know if anyone else is coming like last time, but I don’t think so. She didn’t mention it anyway. I’ll ask Her though.
I think I’m starting to see some pattern in this up&down-cycle I’m going through. I usually feel down after I saw her at school. And school isn’t the best place to meet up. Mostly cuz I’m really tired and stressed out about shit when I’m at school. And she has lots of fun with other people from her class and it’s just hard to see Her have so much fun with other people, when it could have been with me. Like there’s this other morocan dude She’s constantly laughing and joking with, and I know I can laugh and joke too, but it’s just… I don’t know.
Where’s the time when we used to sit next to each other for 10 straight hours in a bus and laugh and joke about just about everything?! That was just the time of my life. Anyway, She sitting next to ME on the bus to Italy. That trip’s in march, on my birthday! =D And She already told me She wanted to sit next to me when it’s my birthday.
She’s being really quiet now. But I know She’s making Her homework, but still. Meh, I do that to Her so often.
She gave me this bracelet as a good luck charm for when I have to do my speech. Don’t worry everyone has to do one for Dutch =p. It’s nothing special, the bracelet. A clear plastic tube stuffed with coloured paper. But I love it 8). She gave it because I gave Her one of those bracelets you get at concerts, which light up in the dark. A blue one, and I gave it to Her at the Shameboy concert. I was so surprised when I saw She still had it on at school on Monday, cuz the concert was on Friday. She said it lit up Her whole room during those 3 nights.
I wrote quite a long post on yesterday and today but my crap computer failed again and it was all lost so I’ll just post it again… in short ;).
So last night was great. Nice party, She was there, we didn’t dance that much, we sent some text messages afterwards in which I said that the smell of her hair was always the first thing that pops in my mind when I think about these parties. At the party I also told her that. I bent over to say something in her ear but instead I said nothing and I just smelled her hair. Then I said that her hair really smelled great every time.
I did some slow dancing but not with her. First she said that she didn’t really like the songs anyway. But today she told me that she kind of wished she was in that other girls place.
At that party a girl told me that there were actually lots of girls interested in me after I played Borat at the show. She was saying that there were so many that it was becoming boring, to always hear my name popping up.
Today She was saying that She was quite disappointed in that marocan dude. She said that he was having too much moodswings. Always igoring Her whenever he felt bad, and afterwards acting as if nothing happened. I can totally agree with that.
And now the moment you have all been waiting for: the recordings of the free hugging :) . I know it’s a bit boring, but I’ll edit it in time. And if you look close you can even see Her quite a few times (a lot actually) :p.
And here’s a panorama shot of somewhere near my house, a shotI know she would like. (traffic in the sky ;> )
